


The Things We Hide Within

by LyriaBlackFrost



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Akira and Ryuji aggressively care about each other, Anxiety, Fight and Reconciliation, Fluff and Angst, M/M, P4 rules for personas, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-01-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:47:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22212814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LyriaBlackFrost/pseuds/LyriaBlackFrost
Summary: After a heated argument in Mementos, Akira and Ryuji are transported to a strange world, only to realize that they are now unable to summon their Personas. As they explore that place, it becomes clear that it reflects parts of their own lives, making them fear that—somehow—their hearts created a palace of their own.
Relationships: Kurusu Akira/Sakamoto Ryuji, Persona 5 Protagonist/Sakamoto Ryuji
Comments: 26
Kudos: 297





	The Things We Hide Within

**Author's Note:**

> You know what I love? PegoRyu.  
> You know what I love even more? Making Akira and Ryuji face their worst traumas, grow from it, and receive love and support from each other.
> 
> This was heavily inspired by the P4 fangame [Your Affection](https://p4youraffection.tumblr.com/) (which I recommend if you haven't played yet).
> 
> I hope you like it!

It had been over a week since the group stole Okumura’s heart, and while they waited for the results, they couldn’t do much other than explore Mementos and complete the requests on the phan-site.

On that day, they had four requests to fulfill. Yuuki, as usual, gave them the information he gathered on his own, so they could have a better idea of what they would be facing down there. Cases of bullying, extortion, harassment, and domestic violence… It was frightening how many situations like those they saw every month, and from people who seemed to be _model citizens_ otherwise.

“Do you think you can work with that?” asked Yuuki. “I can try to get more info if you need.”

Akira shook his head, offering him a slight smile.

“That should be enough,” he said. “We succeeded with less information before. If everything goes right, we should be able to change their hearts before the end of the week.”

“Yeah,” agreed Ryuji. “We should try to deal with this as soon as we can…” he sighed. “People are going through some shit ‘cause of these guys.”

“I don’t even like to think about it…” muttered Ann, lowering her gaze.

Akira looked at them. He knew those cases hit too close to home to some of his friends, but there was no way to avoid the subject. If anything, putting an end to someone else’s pain was the best way to deal with what they had been through. Before Akira could say anything, Ryuji stood up, hitting the palm of his hand with his fist, showing a wide smile.

“What are we waitin’ for, then?” he said. “The sooner we go, the sooner we’ll be finished!”

His sudden resolve made Makoto chuckle.

“That’s a good attitude,” she said. “Just don’t get reckless, alright?”

They made some final plans, then finally got ready to leave.

“Good luck, guys,” said Yuuki, closing his laptop and putting it back inside his bag. “I’ll keep an eye on the phan-site for more requests.”

“Just make sure to take some breaks,” asked Haru, sounding concerned. “We don’t want you to overwork yourself for our sakes.”

“Nah, Yuuki is like a freaking machine,” said Futaba, giving him some taps on the back. “If you give him enough energy drinks, he’ll probably build a rocket and discover a new galaxy.”

Yuuki looked at her, seeming unsure if that was a compliment or not.

“No, Futaba…” said Akira, pulling Yuuki away from her. “Don’t encourage him!”

“Yeah…” agreed Ryuji, placing his arm around Yuuki’s shoulders. “It’s hard enough to make this guy stop and have fun for a change… Don’t make things worse!”

Futaba shrugged, letting out a long sigh.

“Gee, fine…” she said. “Seriously, you two sound like a pair of moms.”

The comment made Akira and Ryuji glance at each other, grinning.

“That’s right,” said Akira. “We’re his moms.”

“Yeah,” agreed Ryuji, “we take good care of him.”

Yuuki’s face acquired a bright-red flush. They knew it was easy to make him feel embarrassed, and they never missed a chance to do so. They soon left the Leblanc, going to the train station together. Yuuki wished them luck in Shibuya, taking the next train back home, while the others prepared themselves for that task.

“Ready?” asked Akira.

The group agreed. They entered Mementos, getting inside of Morgana and making their way down that distorted place. Minutes passed, accompanied by a casual banter, until Futaba’s voice called their attention.

“Oh, I can sense one of them on this floor!” said Futaba. “I don’t think it’s too far from here.”

She was right. They found the first shadow just a while later, managing to defeat it without any problems. The same happened with the second one, but by the time they faced the third, it was clear that they were starting to slow down.

Once back inside Morgana to search for the final shadow, Akira lowered his head, closing his eyes and taking some deep breaths. His head was hurting like hell… He had a migraine on the previous night, and while it got a little better before school, all that effort from the battles was starting to reawaken it.

“Hey, Joker…” Ryuji’s low voice close to him called his attention. “Are you okay?”

_Crap…_ He didn’t want to worry his companions over something small like that. Akira raised his head again, showing Ryuji a slight smile.

“Yes, just getting a little tired,” he said.

Ryuji furrowed his brow.

“You sure?” he asked. “We can take a break, or come back another—”

“I’m fine,” Akira interrupted him with a small chuckle. “Really, there’s no reason to worry. Besides, we should get this over with as soon as possible… We don’t know how many requests we’ll get in the future, and we could make things harder to ourselves if we ignore them now.”

He kept the smile on his face, despite the growing pain in his head. Ryuji observed him for a while, then sighed, defeated.

“Fine…” he said. “Just tell me if you’re feelin’ bad, okay?”

“Sure.”

In all honesty, Akira just wanted to get over with that mission as soon as he could and go back to his bed. It was a relief when Futaba finally announced that they were getting close to their final target.

“It seems like this one is a little stronger than the previous three,” she informed. “Don’t let your guard down.”

They entered that area with her words in mind. The shadow represented a typical office worker, but according to the request, he had recently started to lose his patience over nothing at home, to the point of abusing his wife and kids—verbally and physically. As usual, when the group confronted it, the shadow didn’t show any remorse.

“ _I chose Saya out of all the women in this country,”_ it said in a righteous tone. _“I gave my kids a roof and food to eat their entire lives. The least they could do is allow me to let out my frustrations on them! All I do is because of them, after all!”_

Judging by Ryuji’s face, the shadow’s words were pushing him to the limit of his patience, so it only gave them another reason to end that battle quickly.

“It doesn’t give you the right to hurt your family like that!” said Akira, raising his dagger. “They ain’t your property!”

“ _Of course they are!”_ answered the shadow. _“How much money do you think I waste on them every month? I almost kill myself from working so they can live their lives without a care!”_

“You’re the one who chose to have a family…” said Ryuji in a contained mutter. “Your wife chose you too… She trusted you to be a good partner, and a good father for her kids. Your daughter…” He made a pause, gritting his teeth. “She said she’s fuckin’ scared every time you come home. Is this really how you want your family to see you?”

The shadow let out a scornful laugh.

“ _That brat should be thankful!”_ it said. _“I give her and her brother everything, and it’s never enough for them!”_

“Maybe ‘cause the only thing they want is to feel safe at their own home!” yelled Ryuji in return.

He tightened the grip on his bat, clearly infuriated by the situation.

“Skull, it’s alright…” whispered Akira, moving closer to him. “We’ll defeat him.”

“Damn right we will,” answered Ryuji through gritted teeth.

Sensing the danger, the shadow revealed its true form. The group didn’t give it the chance to attack first, charging at it with everything they had. Things seemed to be going well enough, until the shadow summoned three weaker minions to fight alongside it.

“They’re preparing to cast a spell,” informed Futaba. “We should get rid of them as soon as we can.”

“Let’s divide the group,” said Akira. “I’ll keep the big one busy, you guys deal with the other three.”

“Right,” answered Makoto, then turned to Haru, who was next to her. “Noir, come with me. Skull and Fox fight the one in the right, Panther and Mona, the one in the back.”

The rest of them agreed, moving closer to their respective targets. Akira stared back at that shadow, waiting until it attacked to parry, landing a blow on its back, followed by two gunshots. He managed to fight well on his own for a while, but suddenly a sharp pain in his head made him stagger. His vision went out of focus, and all those lights and sounds didn’t make it any better. His stomach turned, and he had to make an effort to stay on his feet. He shut his eyes for a second, in an instinctive attempt to soothe the pain behind them.

“Joker!” Ryuji’s voice startled him. “Pay attention!”

He had been so focused on evading the shadow’s attacks and retaliating that he didn’t realize it had stopped moving. It had its furious gaze on Akira, and a faint light surrounded its whole body. It was charging for a new attack, with its heavy sword risen and a murderous glint in its eyes.

“Shit…!”

It was already too late to evade it, so Akira had no choice but to defend and hope for the best.

“Joker!”

In a second, Ryuji grabbed his arm, pulling Akira behind himself while covering his own face with his arm. The shadow hit Ryuji, making him and Akira fall together on the ground. It jumped in their direction for a final attack, but before it could reach them, Akira and Ryuji raised their guns, shooting the shadow multiple times, until it fell on its back with a loud groan.

For a moment, Akira’s brain seemed paralyzed by the fear. When it finally seemed to start working again, he turned to face Ryuji.

“Skull! Are you alright?”

“Kinda…” answered Ryuji with a grimace. “And you?”

Akira didn’t answer, his attention on the deep cut from the shadow’s blade on Ryuji’s forearm.

“You’re bleeding…” he said, reaching for his pouch of items. “Here, let me—”

Before he could even find what he was searching for, Futaba’s voice echoed above them.

“It’s still alive!” she yelled. “Watch out!”

They only had the time to look at that shadow, who had used all of its remaining strength to stand up again and charge at them a second time. There was no way they could avoid it, especially in that situation. Akira’s brain raced, and he looked at Ryuji again: he was already injured, if he took another hit…

Without thinking, Akira grabbed Ryuji in his arms, covering him with his own body, his back turned to the shadow like a shield. He waited for the impact, but instead, a loud sound of the shadow’s weapon hitting something solid echoed in his ears. Akira opened his eyes, seeing a green barrier around them.

“I did it in time…” he heard Futaba’s low, relieved voice.

“The enemy is stunned,” said Yusuke. “Now is our chance!”

Akira could only watch as the others charged together against the shadow, quickly putting an end to that battle. He turned his attention back to Ryuji, reaching for his injured arm. Before he could do anything, however, Ryuji yanked it away.

“What the hell were you thinkin’?”

His loud, angry voice made Akira stare at him, confused.

“I just tried to protect you,” he muttered.

“Protect me?” repeated Ryuji in disbelief. “You just got in the way of that thing without thinkin’ twice!”

“You’re already hurt…” tried to explain Akira. “I couldn’t let it get worse.”

“By hurtin’ yourself instead?”

Ryuji’s accusatory tone seemed to lit a spark of anger in Akira’s chest.

“What else did you expect me to do?” he asked in a loud voice. “Stay put and watch while that thing attacked you?”

“Yeah!” retorted Ryuji. “‘Cause I can take it, but you could’ve gotten fuckin’ hurt!”

“Are you really saying it’s fine if _you_ are the one getting hurt, then?”

Akira’s question made Ryuji widen his eyes.

“That’s not…”

He couldn’t finish his sentence. Akira didn’t say anything either, until the group approached them with hasty steps.

“Wow…” commented Morgana, looking at them. “Talk about a gloomy atmosphere…”

“Shh, Mona!” whispered Ann.

Neither Akira nor Ryuji responded. It wasn’t common for them to argue, so Akira didn’t even know what to do after that.

“Are you two alright?” asked Haru, finally.

Akira shook his head, indicating Ryuji with a gesture.

“Skull got hurt,” he said.

Makoto observed Ryuji for a moment, then crouched beside him.

“Let me see your injury…” she asked in a gentle voice, and Ryuji obeyed. “Stay still, I’ll take care of it.”

“Thanks,” he answered.

The heavy silence grew between them once again, and Akira could tell it was starting to concern the rest of the group.

“At least we defeated the shadow,” said Morgana, forcing a wide smile. “It wasn’t an easy task… Maybe we should get together on the Leblanc to celebrate.”

“Oh… Good idea!” agreed Futaba. “A curry festival, just for us!”

“Sounds good,” said Yusuke. “I’m starved.”

“And when are you _not_ starved, Inari?”

They were clearly trying to lighten the mood, and it only made Akira feel even more guilty. Ryuji was probably upset by that whole shadow situation, and Akira didn’t consider it before yelling at him. He glanced at his friend, trying to come up with something to say, but Ryuji spoke before he could.

“Joker… I know I shouldn’t have yelled at you…” He made a pause, taking a deep breath. “But you’re the leader. We all need you, so you shouldn’t risk yourself for me. I should be the one protectin’ you.”

His words made that feeling of anger take Akira again, louder than his rational thoughts.

“Like you love to do, right?” he answered in a cynical tone. “Jumping in front of every damn hit meant for me, without even thinking about how I feel whenever you do that.”

Ryuji stared at him, furrowing his brow.

“It doesn’t matter how you feel about it,” he answered, serious. “As long as you’re—”

“It doesn’t matter?” Akira raised his voice again. He leaned in Ryuji’s direction, grabbing his shoulder. “I can’t believe I’m hearing that from you!”

Ryuji gritted his teeth, seeming frustrated.

“Y’know that’s not what I meant,” he muttered.

“What is it, then?”

Ann placed a hand on Akira’s shoulder, moving him away from Ryuji.

“Guys…” she said. “Please, calm down.”

“It’s not the time for this,” added Haru. “We should get to a safe area soon, before more shadows appear.”

But Akira could barely hear their voices. The anger, alongside the pain in his head, seemed to muffle every other thought he could have, reducing him to a pile of emotions he had accumulated for months.

“You’re a fucking selfish bastard, you know?” he yelled at Ryuji. “You act all selfless, like you’re some kind of superhero, but the only thing you care about is feeling good about your damn self!”

Ryuji simply stared at him for a moment, but soon a loud, angry laugh left his throat.

“Is our perfect leader really sayin’ this to me?” he answered. “Funny, ‘cause I thought you were the one who did everythin’ on his own, and just pushed everyone else outta your way!”

“Stop it, you two!” said Ann.

Akira clenched his fists.

“I never asked you to protect me!”

“Yeah,” agreed Ryuji, “‘cause you never ask me anythin’! You never _tell_ me anythin’! You call me your fuckin’ friend, but you sure as hell don’t act like it!”

That hurt… that hurt too much. Akira wanted to deny it, but the words that left his mouth couldn’t be farther from his intention.

“Because you’re always nagging at me, anyway! I already told you that I don’t need your help!”

“So you want me to let you keep pushin’ yourself to the limit, until you break?” asked Ryuji.

“I want you to stop acting like you need to take care of me!”

“I would if you weren’t like…” he stopped for a moment, shaking his head. “Like this!”

“Like what, Ryuji?” questioned Akira. “Incompetent? Unreliable? Weak? Go ahead and fucking say it!”

“You know that’s not what I’m talkin’ about, Akira!”

“Guys… the names,” reminded Morgana.

But, once again, Akira could barely hear his words.

“I’ve had enough of this!” he proceeded. “I’m tired of you acting like I can’t do anything on my own!”

“Then maybe you should just find a friend who understands you better than me!” retorted Ryuji.

“Maybe I should!”

There was a moment of pure silence, in which they just stared at each other. He could tell by Ryuji’s expression that his words had really gotten to him, and Akira’s chest was immediately filled by remorse. Before he could take back his words, however, a loud, high-pitched noise flooded his head. His vision went blurry, and everything seemed to spin around him. His legs lost their strength, and he fell down, unable to see or hear anything else. His senses were a mess, and the noise was so loud that he couldn’t even think.

“What’s going on?” he heard Ann’s voice, not far from him.

“I don’t know…” said Morgana. “They just fell all of a sudden!”

_They…?_ Had something happened to Ryuji too? Akira tried to move, but his limbs seemed to be enveloped by concrete.

“Is it the power of a shadow?” asked Yusuke.

“I don’t know…” answered Makoto. “Joker! Skull! Hang in—”

Her voice seemed to dissolve inside Akira’s head. The last thought he had before his mind faded to black was that he really regretted his last words.

* * *

Akira opened his eyes, his head still hurting a little. He was in an unfamiliar place: an empty, dark room—definitely not his bedroom. He forced his memory, and soon the pieces started to fall in place. _That’s right…_ His last memory was of being in Mementos, after facing that shadow… and having a fight with Ryuji.

The thought of his best friend made Akira jolt up, looking around, only to see Ryuji lying on the floor beside him. Akira leaned in his direction, placing a hand on his shoulder.

“Ryuji…” he called. “Ryuji, can you hear me?”

Ryuji slowly opened his eyes, making a wave of relief fill Akira’s chest.

“Aki…?” he said, confused. “What happened?”

“I don’t know,” admitted Akira. “When I woke up we were already in this place.”

With Akira’s help, Ryuji sat up as well, glancing around.

“Are we still in the Metaverse?” he asked.

“I don’t think so…” said Akira, his gaze falling on Ryuji’s bright yellow t-shirt. “Our clothes are back to normal.”

Ryuji looked at Akira, then down at himself, furrowing his brow.

“You’re right…” he said. “But, if this ain’t the Metaverse, then…?”

They looked at each other, both seeming equally lost.

“Maybe we should take a look around,” suggested Ryuji.

Akira nodded in agreement. They stood up, walking to a door at the back of that room. Akira reached for the handle, hesitating a little before turning it. He didn’t know what he expected to see on the other side of that door, but a common living room wasn’t among the options.

“Is this someone’s house?” asked Akira. “Did they bring us here after we passed out?”

Ryuji didn’t answer. Akira looked at him, surprised to see the shocked expression in his friend’s face.

“Why…?” muttered Ryuji.

He didn’t say anything else. Akira placed a hand on his back, looking at his face, slightly concerned.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

Ryuji looked at him, needing a moment to answer.

“This…” his voice failed. “This is _my_ house.”

“What?”

Akira frowned. He had been at Ryuji’s home countless times already, and there was no way that was the same place. Noticing his confusion, Ryuji proceeded.

“Not the one I live in now… The one from when I was a kid.”

That answer made Akira understand his reaction a little better.

“Are you sure?” he asked.

“I…”

Ryuji went silent, then started to walk around the place, observing every small detail. Akira followed him closely.

“Everythin’ is just like…” Ryuji muttered to himself. “What the hell is goin’ on here?”

“Where did you live before?” asked Akira.

“Iwatodai.”

“Iwatodai?” He furrowed his brow. “But… Isn’t that like, over an hour away from Tokyo?”

“It should be…”

Ryuji stopped in front of a cabinet, taking a small portrait from it.

“This can’t be real…” he said.

“Maybe we’re just in a similar place,” suggested Akira.

“No, Aki…” Ryuji shook his head. “You don’t understand… This place is just like the last time I saw it.”

He handed the portrait to Akira, who widened his eyes as soon as he looked at it.

“That’s…”

“My mom…” Ryuji confirmed, then lowered his voice. “And my old man.”

Akira’s heart jumped, and a feeling of dread started to creep through his whole body.

“This can’t be the real world…” he said. “But if it isn’t, then…”

He gritted his teeth, taking a step back.

“Arsene!” he called. “Arsene!”

He repeated that name many times, but nothing happened. Ryuji watched him for a moment, before joining him.

“Captain Kidd!” he called. “Are you there, Captain Kidd?”

Again, nothing.

“Captain Kidd…” Ryuji groaned, frustrated. “Damn it…”

“ _Why are you even tryin’? You already know he’s gone.”_

That strange, yet familiar voice made both Akira and Ryuji turn around. There was a person sitting on the top of the kitchen’s counter, staring at them with a smirk on his face. Akira’s heart seemed to stop for a second.

“What…?” he mumbled.

That person’s face, his size, his built, his blond hair… he looked exactly like Ryuji, except for his pair of bright golden eyes. Unlike the real Ryuji, however, his face and body were covered in bandages and dark bruises, a trail of fresh blood leaving his nose and mouth, as if someone had just recently hit him. His smirk widened under their gazes.

“Who the hell are you…?” asked Ryuji.

“ _You really can’t tell?”_ The other Ryuji sighed. _“Man… why you gotta be so damn slow? No wonder no one’s got the patience to deal with you… Even I am tired of it already.”_

Akira’s stomach turned as the realization fell upon him.

“A shadow…?” he muttered.

Ryuji’s shadow glanced at Akira, offering him a smile before turning its attention back to his real self.

“ _As always, our leader gotta be the one to think for you,”_ it said. _“And you still don’t know why Aki doesn’t trust you? Who’d trust someone so dumb and unreliable, who starts whinin’ at the first problem that gets in his way?”_

Akira could see Ryuji’s body tensing up next to him, and for a moment he feared he would jump at his shadow.

“You can’t be my shadow!” Ryuji answered, instead. “Mona said persona users can’t have—”

He went silent, his angry expression quickly turning into fear.

“ _Oh…”_ The shadow hummed to itself, pleased. _“Looks like you’re finally startin’ to understand.”_

Part of Akira’s mind already knew what that meant, but he tried to deny it until Ryuji turned his thoughts into words.

“This… This is my palace…?”

The question made the shadow burst out laughing, hugging its own stomach. That was when Akira finally noticed the pointy teeth in its mouth, that made it look more like a monster than a human.

“ _Wouldn’t it be funny if it was?”_ it asked. _“Ryuji Sakamoto, the guy who wanted so much to be a hero, ends up with a palace like every other shitty villain he faced before. Why are you even surprised?”_

“I… It can’t…”

“ _It can’t be?”_ The shadow interrupted in a mocking tone. _“You’re not a bad guy, so why do you have a palace?”_ he sighed, impatient. _“C’mon… Even someone as dumb as you can figure it out. Your old man said it, your teachers said it, Kamoshida said it, your teammates said it… damn, even your friends said it! You’re fuckin’ worthless. You just make everyone close to you miserable. You ruin everythin’ you get close to. And, when people finally have enough, you get mad at them for abandonin’ you. Really, you’re the worst.”_

Ryuji opened his mouth to protest, but no words left it.

“ _Yeah… Deep inside, you know it’s all your damn fault,”_ proceeded the shadow. _“If at least I wasn’t such a problem kid, my dad wouldn’t have to hurt me… If I wasn’t such a burden, my mom would be happier… If I could control myself, Kamoshida wouldn’t have fucked up my leg and ended the track team… If I wasn’t such an asshole, my friends would’ve come to me when they needed…”_

The shadow showed a wide, amused smile.

“ _If I wasn’t such a useless piece of trash, Aki would trust me.”_

That phrase was what finally made Ryuji take a step back. Akira followed him with his gaze, then moved, placing himself between his friend and that shadow, facing it with an angry gaze.

“Leave him alone!” Saying that, he glanced over his shoulder at his friend, lowering his tone. “Don’t listen to it, Ryuji… Something weird is going on here.”

To his surprise, the shadow looked at him with an expression closer to endearment than annoyance.

“ _Ah, Aki…”_ it sighed. _“You’re the sweetest, y’know? Always bein’ so nice to me… Always so reliable… Always so strong…”_ Its tone changed to a frustrated one. _“Always doin’ everythin’ on your own, like you don’t need anyone else. Do you even know how hard it is to keep runnin’ after you?”_

Akira frowned at that question.

“Why would Ryuji have to run after me?” he asked.

Shadow Ryuji showed a bitter smile.

“‘ _Course you wouldn’t know…”_ It shook its head. _“I always did everythin’ I could so you wouldn’t realize how pathetic I am… So you’d let me stay by your side a little longer.”_

“That’s bullshit!” protested Akira.

“ _Is it? Maybe for you it is… but for me it’s everythin’ I can do.”_

The shadow brought the back of its hand to its nose, in an attempt to clean the blood from under it, only managing to smudge its face even more.

“ _I can only break things and endure pain…”_ it proceeded. _“So, yeah… I took hit after hit for you, hopin’ that, if I broke myself enough times, you’d finally look at me as your equal. You’d finally start to trust me. You’d see me as your fuckin’ friend.”_

It let out another loud laugh, shaking its head.

“ _How damn stupid.”_

Those words made Akira’s blood boil.

“Stop with the nonsense!” he yelled. “Of course Ryuji is my friend!”

“ _Am I really?”_ The shadow raised its eyebrow in disbelief. _“‘Cause from what I remember you’re always keepin’ me at an arm’s length. Best friends…?”_ It scoffed at the thought. _“‘Course we’re best friends when we’re at school, or playin’ games, or doin’ whatever dumb shit together. But when it really matters, I’m nothin’ but a burden, right? You’d just rather deal with everythin’ on your own than let me fuckin’ help you. It’s so easy to get mad at you for that…”_ It showed a pained smile. _“But don’t worry, deep inside I know it’s my fault. Who’d trust a piece of shit like me, right? I can’t do shit right for once! I should already be happy that you didn’t reject me like everyone else.”_

The shadow chuckled again, but this time it sounded more pained than amused.

“ _But it ain’t enough… Why won’t Aki trust me? Why can’t I get close to him? Why won’t he tell me anythin’ that matters? Why can’t I be important to him, like he is to me?”_ As it spoke, it hugged its own arms, pressing them with its own fingers. _“It just ain’t enough… I want you to need me, Aki… I want you to need me as much as I need you, even if I can’t do nothin’ right… Even if the only thing I can do for you is gettin’ hurt in your place.”_ It looked at Akira, an almost desperate expression on its face. _“Please… Please, Aki… I’d do anythin’ for you, so please just—”_

“Shut the hell up!”

The real Ryuji’s voice made Akira look at him. His shadow went silent, and Ryuji stepped forward in its direction.

“This ain’t funny…” Ryuji proceeded in a low, infuriated mutter. “I don’t know who the hell you are, but we’re not fallin’ for it.”

The shadow, who seemed so desperate seconds before, rolled its eyes, impatient.

“ _You know who I am, Ryuji…”_ it said. _“I am thou, thou art I. I’m you. Even if you deny my existence, I’m still part of you.”_

“That ain’t true!” protested Ryuji. “You can’t just go blabberin’ whatever nonsense you want and think I’ll believe you! I know myself, alright? And I never felt this shit you’re talkin’ about!”

His answer made the shadow laugh.

“ _You know you do,”_ it answered. _“That’s why you’re so fuckin’ scared right now… ‘Cause I’m showing Aki, from all people, this side of you that you hate so much… So small and pathetic, always scared that people will hurt you.”_

The shadow stopped talking, observing Ryuji with cruel amusement.

“ _But, deep down, you wouldn’t even mind if they hurt you, right?”_ it asked. _“As long as it makes them stay by your side, you can endure it.”_

“That’s…”

Ryuji didn’t have a chance to argue, for soon the shadow continued.

“ _So, Aki…”_ It turned his gaze and full attention back to Akira. _“You can use me, yell at me, or even hurt me… It’s fine, I’d never be able to hate you, even if you did all that.”_ It giggled. _“As long as it gives me a place by your side… As long as it makes you rely on me… As long as it stops you from leavin’ me behind, I’ll let you do anythin’ you want.”_ A brief pause, followed by a suggestive smirk. _“Anything.”_

“Stop it!”

Before Akira could stop him, Ryuji dashed to his shadow, grabbing it by the front of its t-shirt.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” he yelled. “Who’d even be fine with somethin’ like that?”

The shadow didn’t react, simply looking at Ryuji with a tired expression.

“ _You already know the answer to that.”_

“Like hell!” answered Ryuji. “You think you can manipulate me? Then you’re damn fuckin’ wrong… There’s no way in hell your shitty lies will get to me!”

Akira ran to his friend, holding him by the arm, making an effort to move him away from the shadow.

“Ryuji, calm down,” he asked.

“You don’t believe this thing, do you?” questioned Ryuji, looking at him. “It just says whatever shit it wants… It’s just tryin’ to get to us!”

“I know. I don’t believe it.”

Ryuji seemed slightly relieved to hear that, but it didn’t take long for the shadow’s mocking laugh to make his body tense up again.

“ _You don’t need to lie to make him feel better…”_ said the shadow, looking at Akira. _“Ryuji knows it already, he just can’t admit it.”_

The anger took Ryuji’s face again.

“I told you to shut up!”

“ _See?”_ proceeded the shadow. _“You were always terrible at lyin’… Anyone can tell that—”_

“Shut up!”

Ryuji broke free from Akira’s grasp, raising his fist and aiming a punch at the shadow’s face.

“You think you can say whatever bullshit you want just ‘cause you have my face?” yelled Ryuji, raising his fist again. “‘Cause you better think again, you fuckin’ piece of shit!”

Another hit. Again, the shadow didn’t react, or even look surprised. Akira held Ryuji’s arm to keep him from hitting it a third time, but it was a difficult task, since Ryuji was much stronger than him.

“I’ve had enough of you…” grunted Ryuji. “I don’t know what the hell you are, but there’s no way you’re—”

Before he could finish his sentence, the shadow turned his head to face him, extending his arm and grabbing Ryuji by the throat. It showed a smile too big to look human, its golden eyes glistening with excitement.

“ _Say it…”_ it whispered. _“Go ahead and say it!”_

Ryuji could do nothing but stare at it wide-eyed. The shadow laughed.

“ _What’s wrong?”_ it asked. _“Too scared to keep your tough guy act? Why don’t you just give up and let me take control, then?”_

A small, pained groan left Ryuji’s lips when the shadow tightened its grasp. A feeling of panic took Akira, and without thinking twice he reached for a plate over the countertop, raising it.

“Stay away from him!”

He hit the shadow with the plate, shattering it against the side of its head. It lost its balance, letting go of Ryuji and falling on the ground with a surprised cry.

“Ryuji, come!”

Akira held Ryuji by the wrist, pulling him back to the living room. He tried to open the front door, but it was locked. At the kitchen, the shadow stood up, staring at them with that crazed smile of pointy teeth.

“ _You won’t get away…”_ it said.

It dashed in their direction, and Akira pulled Ryuji to the nearest door, the same one they came from. It opened, and the two of them crossed to the other side. Akira looked behind them, in time to see the shadow just a few meters away, reaching for them with its bandaged arms.

“ _You know you can’t run away from me!”_ it yelled. _“I am thou—”_

Akira closed the door behind them before the shadow could finish his sentence. He moved away from it, pulling Ryuji with him, expecting the shadow to open the door and come after them at any moment… but it didn’t. Long seconds passed before Akira finally allowed himself to relax a little, catching his breath. He looked at Ryuji beside him, who stared at the floor with a distant gaze. Akira let go of his wrist, placing his hand on Ryuji’s shoulder instead.

“Ryuji…”

“It wasn’t true…” muttered Ryuji, without looking at him. “I swear it wasn’t true…”

Akira sighed, lightly pressing Ryuji’s shoulder.

“It’s alright,” he said in a gentle tone.

Ryuji stared at him, panicked.

“Please, tell me you didn’t believe that thing!”

“Ryuji, calm down,” asked Akira. “It’s alright.”

Akira considered pulling him for a hug, but Ryuji stepped away from him before he could.

“What the hell is goin’ on here…?” Ryuji mumbled to himself. “This place, that thing… This ain’t really a palace, is it? It can’t be, right?”

Ryuji shut his eyes, hugging his own arms.

“It can’t be…” he said. “That thing can’t be my shadow… It can’t…”

“It’s okay, Ryuji… Look at me.” Akira took a step in Ryuji’s direction and reached for his face, cupping it, looking into his eyes. “I don’t know what’s going on either, but we’ll find a way out of here. So, please… Just stay calm and leave it all to me, alright?”

He hoped those words would reassure Ryuji, but instead, his expression slowly changed into a cold, distant one.

“Ryuji?”

Ryuji moved away from Akira, averting his gaze.

“I get it…” he muttered. “So this is why you don’t…”

“What are you talking about?” asked Akira.

There was no immediate answer. Ryuji glanced at Akira, but soon lowered his gaze again.

“Nothin’,” he said, finally. “Don’t worry about me. I’ll… I’ll help you find a way outta here. You don’t have to take care of me.”

“I didn’t say that,” protested Akira.

“I know…” Ryuji paused for a moment, tightening his arms around himself. “I know you didn’t.”

Akira observed him for a long while, unsure of what he was supposed to say. He repeated his own words in his mind, trying to find something wrong with them, and that was when Ryuji’s shadow came back to his mind. As he remembered its cruel words, things started to make more sense.

“Ryuji…” he said in a low voice, risking a step in his friend’s direction. “I didn’t mean that I don’t trust you. I just—”

“Of course you did, Akira!” Ryuji faced him with a frustrated expression. “You think I’m stupid? I know I’m not the smartest guy around, but even I can tell that you’re always pushin’ me away! You never tell me anythin’, you never lemme do anythin’! I know I’m dumb and unreliable, so the only thing I can do is protect you! But now, even that is—”

A loud sob cut Ryuji’s sentence. He covered his face with a hand, then sat on the floor, hugging his own knees. Akira didn’t react for a while, then approached him, sitting by his side. He considered his words carefully before speaking again.

“I never saw you like that.”

“Please, stop…” muttered Ryuji.

“I’m serious,” insisted Akira, placing a hand on Ryuji’s back. “What that thing said about you isn’t true. You’re not worthless, or unreliable. You’re a good person, and—”

Ryuji raised his head, staring at Akira in disbelief.

“You serious right now?” he asked. “Just look around you, Akira… Look at this place!” He gestured toward the door. “I’ve got a damn palace! Just like all those assholes we faced until now! I’m just like them!”

He lowered his gaze, and, when he continued, his voice was almost inaudible.

“I should’ve known somethin’ was wrong from the beginning…” he chuckled, humorless. “There’s no way someone like me could ever be a hero.”

“Ryuji…”

Akira wanted to find a way to comfort his friend, but the words failed him. Ryuji shook his head, letting out a heavy sigh.

“My bad…” he said. “I said I’d help, but I’m only whinin’.”

“You’re not…” Akira gritted his teeth, then placed both hands on Ryuji’s shoulders, making his friend look at him. “Listen to me… We’ll find a way out of here, alright? The two of us, together. Everything will get better as soon as we leave this place.”

Ryuji looked at Akira, seeming to think about his words for a long while.

“Yeah…” he said in a serious tone. “That’s true.”

He stood up, and Akira followed him with his eyes, slightly surprised with that sudden change in his attitude.

“Let’s go, Aki…” he said. “You already know what we gotta do.”

Akira furrowed his brow, confused.

“What?” he asked as he stood up as well.

“This is a palace,” answered Ryuji, without looking at him. “We did it a lot of times already, right?”

Akira had the feeling he knew where Ryuji was going with that, and he didn’t like it. Ryuji offered him a tired smile.

“Let’s steal my damn treasure and get outta here.”

His words made Akira’s heart sink.

“There’s no way I’m doing that!” he said.

Ryuji shrugged in response.

“Don’t worry, it’s just how these things work.” He hesitated a little before proceeding in a low voice. “And if that thing really _is_ me, then… I think I deserve it.”

“Don’t say that,” asked Akira.

“You know it’s true.”

Akira bit his lip, hating even the suggestion of such a thing. Ryuji looked at him for a while, then placed a hand on Akira’s arm, gently pressing it.

“Aki…” he said in a reassuring voice. “It’s really fine. Maybe I’ll even be a better person after that.”

“We’ll find another way,” muttered Akira.

“We don’t have to—”

Akira glared at him.

“Don’t you dare say that!” he yelled, moving away from Ryuji. “Why are you always so ready to throw yourself away? Do you have any idea how much you hurt me every time you do that?”

Ryuji stared at him, wide-eyed.

“I didn’t—”

“This isn’t just about you, Ryuji!” Akira interrupted him. “Try to think for just a minute about how I’d feel if I did something like that to you!”

“I…”

Ryuji went silent. Akira averted his gaze, trying to calm himself down.

“I’m sorry,” murmured Ryuji after a while.

Akira felt like, if that discussion continued, he would start to yell again, or cry, or both. He shut his eyes in an attempt to hold back his tears.

“Let’s just… find a way out of here,” he said.

“Are we goin’ back there?” asked Ryuji.

“We don’t have another choice.”

Ryuji hesitated for a moment.

“Lemme go first, then,” he said. “If that thing attacks us, then—”

“Stop, Ryuji,” asked Akira. “Please, just stop.”

Ryuji seemed about to say something else, but stopped, staying silent for a moment.

“Okay,” he answered.

Without saying another word, the two of them approached that door. Ryuji took a deep breath before reaching for the handle, turning it. The door didn’t budge.

“It’s locked…” said Ryuji.

“What?” Akira tried to open the door, only to realize Ryuji was telling the truth. “Shit… What are we going to do now?”

They looked at each other, completely lost. Before they could come up with an idea, Akira noticed something through the corner of his eye that called his attention. He looked at the opposite wall, and his suspicions were confirmed.

“Ryuji, look!”

Ryuji followed his gaze, widening his eyes at a second door meters away from them.

“Was that door there before?” he asked.

“I… don’t think so.”

Both of them hesitated for a moment: it seemed too convenient to be anything good, but… what other choice did they have?

“Let’s go,” said Akira.

Ryuji didn’t answer, but followed him. Akira reached for the handle, and this time the door opened.

What was on the other side wasn’t Ryuji’s old house. Far from it, actually.

“What is…?” Ryuji looked around, confused. “Is this a prison?”

The dark and gloomy atmosphere, the many cells concealed by iron bars… Yes, it couldn’t be anything but a prison. In a way, similar to what Akira saw whenever he visited the Velvet Room.

“Why a prison…?” continued Ryuji. “I never got…”

He stopped talking, as if something had just occurred to him. He looked at Akira, slightly concerned.

“Aki…?”

Akira didn’t answer. No, he refused to think…

“Let’s get out of here.”

Those words left Akira’s lips before he could stop them. He didn’t wait for Ryuji’s answer before turning around, only to see there a split image of his own face. He was wearing a prisoner attire, and bright golden eyes glistened behind his Joker mask. A muffled scream left Akira’s throat, making his shadow grin.

“ _Look who we have here…”_ it said in a tone of fake surprise. _“The amazing leader of the Phantom Thieves himself!”_

Ryuji looked at the shadow, then to Akira, seeming too shocked to properly react.

“Aki…?”

Akira took another step back, then another, only wanting to move away from that thing.

“What is…” he mumbled. “Why is…?”

Noticing his fear, Ryuji moved closer to him, hugging his torso and pulling him closer.

“It’s okay, Aki…” he muttered. “Don’t worry, it’s okay… Just stay calm.”

“Ryuji…” muttered Akira, his eyes still on that shadow. “Is that… your cognitive version of me?”

Ryuji opened his mouth, but the shadow’s exaggerated laugh stopped him from answering.

“ _Always quick to throw the blame on others, aren’t you?”_ it said, slowly walking in their direction. _“Ah… It’d be so much easier if it was all Ryuji’s fault, wouldn’t it? This way you’d be able to fight his fears and save the day again, like the perfect, perfect leader that you are, ‘Joker’.”_

Akira backed off again, and Ryuji accompanied him.

“ _Oh, but wait…”_ proceeded the shadow. _“You’re not Joker, are you?”_

That crazed laugh echoed in that empty corridor, making an unpleasant shiver go down Akira’s spine.

“ _You’re just a faker,”_ said the shadow. _“You don’t even know why they chose you as their leader. But you didn’t refuse it either… Because this was finally your chance to get people to love you! No one in Tokyo knows about your true self… No one knows about that pathetic introvert no one cares about… That disgusting queer kid no one wanted to get close to… That useless brat that brought nothing but shame to his parents, to the point they sent him away as soon as they got the chance… That pitiful boy who keeps crying alone in the bathroom because he knows his new, beloved friends would hate him too if they ever knew…”_

Akira wanted to protest, but the words seemed to freeze in his tongue. The shadow reached for its own mask, taking it off, observing it with an amused look while waving it in the air.

“ _But now you have a mask to hide behind,”_ it continued. _“You can be that cool, beloved guy you always wanted to be. Because everyone loves Joker… He has everything, every single quality you always longed to have… He’s so perfect, so dazzling… If only everyone could see you that same way.”_

“That’s not—”

The shadow ignored Akira’s words, turning to Ryuji instead.

“ _Isn’t that right, Ryuji?”_ it asked. _“Don’t you think a guy like Joker is just ‘so’ amazing, and ‘so’ reliable… You could even fall for him, couldn’t you?”_

Ryuji stared at the shadow, dumbfounded. The shadow hastened its steps, offering him a wide smile.

“ _I’ll never let you see my pathetic side…”_ it said, reaching for Ryuji’s face. _“I’ll never let you realize how weak I truly am. I’ll do everything I can to keep this lie going, just so you’ll love me like no one else…”_

When the shadow’s fingers came close to Ryuji’s cheek, Ryuji slapped them away.

“Shut up!” he yelled at the shadow. “Who cares if Aki ain’t perfect? He’s still damn important to me, and I won’t let you talk shit about him like this!”

The shadow stopped moving, staring at Ryuji for a while.

“ _Ryuji…”_ it said in a low, calm voice. _“You know I ‘am’ Akira, right?”_

“‘Course I do!” answered Ryuji. “Makes no fuckin’ difference to me! I won’t let anything harm Akira, not even you!”

Instead of looking intimidated, the shadow let out a dreamy sigh.

“ _You really are my knight in shining armor, aren’t you?”_ it said.

Everything inside Akira seemed to twist into a knot.

“Please, don’t…” he muttered.

But, once again, the shadow ignored him.

“ _If at least you knew what the things you say do to me… It’s so hard to pretend to be cool when everything you do makes me—”_

“Don’t say it!”

Akira’s mind was taken by panic, his whole body trembling as if it was about to collapse on itself. The shadow looked at him, its enamored smile twisting into a grimace of pure spite.

“ _You’re such a coward…”_ it growled, rolling its eyes. _“That’s why you could never be like Joker. Joker would be honest with his feelings… Joker doesn’t care about what others think of him… Joker isn’t so fucking scared of his own thoughts.”_

“Joker doesn’t exist!” retorted Akira. “He’s just…” He stopped, correcting himself. “It’s just a name!”

“ _A name?”_ The shadow raised his eyebrow. _“Who do you think you’re deceiving? You know Joker is much more than that to you.”_

Saying that, it put the mask again, taking a deep breath and smiling, as if the pure feeling of it over his face was a relief.

“ _Joker is the perfect leader,”_ it said. _“Joker is the perfect friend. Joker is the one everyone loves. Joker is the one ‘he’ deserves. Not Akira Kurusu… Not you.”_

“What are you even talking about? I _am_ Joker!”

“ _You just pretend to be him. And as long as you keep running away, you’ll never be like him.”_

“I’m not running away!”

The shadow sighed, exasperated.

“ _Fucking unbelievable…”_ it grunted. _“Do you really need me to spell it all out?”_

Despite the question, it didn’t give Akira a chance to answer before proceeding.

“ _You pretend you don’t care, but being thrown away by your parents hurts so much… They never cared about you, but you never thought they’d do something like that. Did you really mean nothing to them? Nothing at all? It’s so painful and frustrating… But still, you never questioned their decision. Ever since you were a child you never questioned them, because you hoped that, if you were a good boy, they’d finally, ‘finally’ show you some love.”_

The words stung on Akira’s chest. The shadow seemed to notice it, and a pleased grin took its face again.

“ _And the way everyone looked at you at Shujin?”_ it continued. _“It made you feel like you wanted to die… It was even worse than being the weird, isolated kid back in Inaba, wasn’t it? That feeling that you didn’t belong… That urge to run away and hide from everyone… Sometimes you just wanted to scream at them, and make them all realize how unfair this is… But you always kept it all inside, because you’re too scared of their reactions. You don’t want them to hate you even more, so you keep pretending you’re fine… That you’re above it all.”_

It made a pause, and its grin grew larger.

“ _That’s why you don’t want to lose the things Joker gave you… Your friends, their trust, their respect… Even if it’s all a lie, it’s a lie that you’re willing to carry to your grave. If this is what it takes to be loved, then you—”_

“Stop!” Akira yelled. “You’re lying… I’m not like that…! I…”

The shadow’s eyes glistened with anticipation. Ryuji faced Akira, holding his arm.

“Aki, don’t!” he said in an urgent voice. “Y’know how things went down when I—.”

“I don’t care!” Akira interrupted him, shaking his head. “I don’t want to listen to it anymore!”

He stepped away from Ryuji, shutting his eyes and covering his ears, his heart pounding inside his chest.

“You’re not me!” he yelled. “You’re not me! You’re not—”

A loud, distorted laugh made Akira open his eyes again. Before them, his shadow emitted a menacing glow, then started to change its form, doubling in size, growing a pair of wings and horns, its hands turning into sharp, black claws. It seemed like a disturbing fusion of Akira and his persona, Arsene.

“ _Yes!”_ said the shadow, still laughing maniacally. _“Yes! This is the power that I wanted!”_

Akira watched it, frozen in place. His shadow looked at his own, new body, seeming enchanted by it.

“ _Ah… This is amazing…”_ it said, then slowly turned its gaze back to Akira. _“Looks like I don’t need you anymore.”_

The shadow raised its arm, but Akira couldn’t move. It was Ryuji who grabbed his arm and pulled him away from the shadow, just in time to evade its claws.

“We gotta get outta here,” he said.

Akira didn’t have the time to respond, being pulled alongside Ryuji, who ran to the opposite direction from that shadow--and from the only exit they knew.

“Where are we going?” asked Akira.

“Away from that thing!” answered Ryuji. “Try to find another exit!”

Akira nodded, looking from one cell to the other, but they all seemed to be empty. Before he could stop himself, he glanced over his shoulder, regretting it immediately: the shadow was approaching them, _fast_.

“Ryuji!” he warned.

Ryuji looked behind them, then pulled Akira to the side to avoid another attack. The shadow passed by them, then turned around, blocking their way. Ryuji stepped between him and Akira, staring at the shadow.

“ _Step back, Ryuji…”_ it said. _“I don’t want to hurt you.”_

“Go to hell…” answered Ryuji, barely concealing the fear in his voice. “I told you I won’t let you hurt him!”

The shadow let out an exasperated sigh.

“ _Don’t you see that your Akira is a fake?”_ it asked. _“I am a better Akira than he’ll ever be… Because I don’t hide myself like him. Because I’d never lie to you, like he always does.”_

“Who cares if he lies to me?” retorted Ryuji. “Aki is still my friend, and you gotta kill me before you fuckin’ touch him.”

The shadow observed him for a while, as if considering its options.

_“This isn’t good…”_ it said, shaking its head. _“Well, if you won’t step away, then I have no other choice. I’ll patch you up again when this is over.”_ It opened up a wide, ecstatic smile. _“I can do anything, after all…”_

It prepared to attack again, but Ryuji acted faster, avoiding its claws and pulling Akira back to that door.

“Don’t stop runnin’!” he yelled.

Akira gritted his teeth, giving his all to keep up with Ryuji’s pace. He heard the shadow’s laugh behind them, but this time didn’t look back, keeping his eyes on that door.

“We’re close!” said Ryuji. “Just keep runnin’!”

They were just a few meters away from the exit when the sound of the shadow’s voice echoed too close to them.

_“You won’t escape, faker!”_

Akira turned around. It was right over them, its golden eyes glistening as he raised its claws with a loud laugh. Akira’s body seemed to freeze in place, and he instinctively closed his eyes.

“Akira!”

He felt Ryuji’s arms around him, holding him close to his chest. There was a loud sound of an impact, but no pain. Akira’s heart seemed to have stopped for a second.

He opened his eyes, seeing Ryuji close to him, apparently unharmed. Beside them, just a few centimeters away from their heads, were the shadow’s claws, stuck to the wall. Akira was sure that it had just missed, and would prepare a new attack at any moment. But it didn’t… Akira looked at his shadow, and its distorted face was taken by a strange, almost conflicted expression. Ryuji turned to face it as well, and for a moment, they simply stared at each other in silence.

“ _Why do you go that far for someone like me?”_ asked the shadow.

Ryuji took a deep breath.

“I told you…” he said in a low, calm voice. “You’re my best friend. I’ll never let anythin’ hurt you. Not even yourself.”

The shadow lowered its eyes. It slowly moved its claws away, but didn’t raise them again, or say anything else. Ryuji looked at Akira helping him stand.

“Let’s go, Aki,” he said.

The shadow didn’t move, just staring at the ground until Akira and Ryuji went through that door, closing it between them.

* * *

They were back at that empty place. Akira’s heart was still pounding against his chest, that crazed, distorted laugh still echoing in his mind. He took some deep breaths, trying to calm down.

“Aki…”

He felt Ryuji’s arm hugging his shoulders, and that kind gesture seemed to flood his chest with guilt.

“I’m sorry…” he muttered. “I know I shouldn’t have—”

“It’s okay, Aki,” answered Ryuji. “Don’t worry about that.

But how could he not worry? His actions had put both of them in danger, and all because he knew those painful things the shadow told him were actually true. He was nothing but a facade… a terrible leader, and a terrible _friend_.

“I’m a hypocrite, right?” he said with a humorless chuckle, sitting on the floor with his knees bent. “I acted all high and mighty after you faced your shadow, and then…” he stopped, biting his lip. “And then _this_ happened.”

Ryuji simply watched him for a moment, without a word.

“I know it’s easier when it’s about someone else,” he finally said, sitting beside Akira. “I guess… It’s easier to accept someone else’s flaws than our own.”

Akira looked at him. In fact, he was ashamed of those things his shadow had said, but… When Ryuji’s shadow did the same thing, all he wanted to do was hold his friend close and assure him that everything was fine.

“I guess you’re right,” he said.

They spent some time in thoughtful silence.

“Aki…” said Ryuji after a while. “I don’t like you ‘cause you’re Joker. I don’t even care if you ain’t perfect, or cool, or whatever… I just like to be with you.”

“But I can’t do anything right…” answered Akira. “I’m just a big disappointment to everyone who knows me.”

“I can kinda relate to that…” said Ryuji with a bitter smile. “But it doesn’t mean that we’re right.”

He looked at Akira, who made an effort not to look away.

“Your shadow didn’t kill me, even if it could,” he said. “Guess that means I’m kinda important to you, right?”

That observation surprised Akira.

“Of course you are…” he said. “How could you even doubt that? You were the first friend I made here… Maybe the first real friend I had in my whole life. You believed me when everyone treated me like a fucking criminal. You…” he made a pause, slightly embarrassed. “You’re my favorite person in this whole damn world, so… of course you’re important to me.”

A wide smile took Ryuji’s face.

“I’m happy to know that,” he said.

Akira couldn’t help but return the smile. Ryuji lowered his gaze, thinking for a moment.

“I thought it was impossible for people to truly like me,” he admitted. “Even you… I kinda thought sometimes that you just put up with my bullshit ‘cause you’re a good guy. I mean…” he shifted uncomfortably. “I’m always messin’ up, and still…”

“You don’t mess up as much as you say,” said Akira.

“Well… It’s still a lotta times.”

“It isn’t!”

Ryuji didn’t seem convinced, and Akira let out a long sigh.

“Really, Ryuji…” he said, looking back at his friend. “All this time, I made such an effort to be a good friend to you, so you’d have a reason to stay by my side… So it really shocked me when your shadow said that you’re always running after me.”

His words were sincere, and seemed to surprise Ryuji.

“You really feel like that?” he asked.

Akira agreed with a nod. Ryuji looked at him, in slight disbelief.

“To me, I was always the one chasing you…” He made a pause. “Why didn’t you ever tell me that?”

“You know why…” said Akira. “I didn’t want you to see this stupid side of me. I wanted you to see me as this amazing guy that you’d admire and rely on… I thought it was the only way you’d ever like me as a person.”

It was painful to admit that out loud. Ryuji moved a little closer to Akira, hugging his shoulders.

“Aki…” he said in a low voice. “I don’t want an amazing, perfect guy… I want my best friend, the way he is. Really, I like you the most when you’re not tryin’ to be someone else.”

Akira considered those words for a while.

“All my life, people always told me I wasn’t good enough,” he said. “My parents, my classmates… Almost everyone.”

“And they were wrong about you,” answered Ryuji. “Even if some people don’t accept who you are, I will. And our friends will. Y’know, the people who really care about you. To us, you’re good just like this.”

“Even if I’m nothing special?”

His question made Ryuji laugh.

“C’mon, dude…” he said. “You _are_ fuckin’ special. Maybe not in the way you wanted to be, but you’re still damn special to all of us.” He made a pause, showing a soft smile. “Especially to me.”

His words made Akira’s heart jump inside his chest, and he looked away, feeling an uncomfortable warmth spread through his face and neck.

“If you keep saying things like this, I’ll get the wrong idea,” he said.

He hoped Ryuji would interpret that as a joke, but his friend didn’t laugh.

“Go ahead…” said Ryuji. “Actually, I kinda want you to.”

Akira stared at him, almost certain that he had understood wrong the meaning behind Ryuji’s words. Ryuji’s face slowly acquired a bright pinkish tone.

“I mean…” he continued, placing a hand on the side of his neck, “not the wrong idea, but…”

He interrupted himself again, letting out a frustrated groan.

“Shit…” he muttered. “What the hell am I even talkin’ abou—”

Without thinking, Akira leaned in Ryuji’s direction, kissing his lips. It didn’t last more than a second, and he moved slightly away from Ryuji, waiting for a confirmation. It came when Ryuji closed their distance, kissing him again. Akira closed his eyes, hugging Ryuji and pulling him closer. For a moment, he forgot about their situation, their shadows, and all those horrible things that they had said to them: it was just him and Ryuji, and that kiss he had dreamed about for such a long time.

They finally moved away, looking into each other’s eyes for a moment. Ryuji caressed Akira’s face, and Akira smiled at him.

“I never thought this would happen…” he said.

“Me neither,” agreed Ryuji.

They moved closer again, hugging each other, staying like that for a long while.

“We need to find a way out,” said Akira, finally. “There’s no way I’ll officially ask you out in a hellhole like this.”

“Oh…” Ryuji giggled. “Are we goin’ somewhere fancy?”

“Maybe not _fancy_ ,” answered Akira, considering his options. “But definitely better than here.”

“Not like that’s hard…”

They smiled at each other, then slowly leaned in, until their foreheads were touching.

“Things will be fine,” said Ryuji, cupping Akira’s face. “We’ll find a way out.”

“I know…” answered Akira, placing his hands over Ryuji’s. “I know.”

Some time passed with the two of them still holding each other close, until something called Akira’s attention.

“There’s a new door,” he said.

Ryuji followed his gaze, then furrowed his brow.

“Are we goin’?” he asked.

Akira hesitated for a moment: he didn’t like the idea either, but they didn’t have any other option.

“Yes.”

They stood up, approaching that third door together, looking at each other before finally opening it and crossing to the other side.

* * *

The place was familiar, but in a different way from the past two.

“Is this… Mementos?” asked Akira.

“Looks like it,” said Ryuji, glancing around. “Did we escape, then?”

“I doubt it… Those things wouldn’t let us go so easily.”

“Thought so.”

Without thinking much, they reached for each other’s hand, holding it before they started to move. They walked slowly, paying attention to their surroundings and the possible approach of their shadows. Long minutes passed, but nothing came.

“I sure am missin’ Mona right now,” commented Ryuji.

“Tell me about it…”

After a few more minutes walking, they finally came across an escalator. They went to the lower floor, but as they went down, the scenario changed to what seemed to be a hybrid of Mementos, Ryuji’s current home, and the Leblanc, with the color of the walls and placement of the furniture changing each time the lights flickered, like they were part of a horror video game.

“Be on your guard,” said Akira.

As a response, Ryuji tightened the grip on his hand. They moved deeper within that strange place.

“This palace…” commented Akira in a low voice. “It’s… ours? The two of us, at the same time?”

“Looks like it,” said Ryuji. “I didn’t know it could happen… Is it ‘cause of our personas?”

“I don’t know.”

The lights flickered again, and when they lit up, there were two other people just a few meters away from them--their shadows. Ryuji’s looked the same, with the exception of a few new bruises and a trail of blood running from where Akira had hit him; Akira’s was back to his initial form, with the prison uniform and his mask. Akira’s shadow was standing up, its back leaning on the back wall, and Ryuji’s was sitting on the floor, by its feet. Ryuji’s shadow showed that wide smile of pointy teeth, while Akira’s simply stared at them with its arms crossed.

_“Took you long enough,”_ said Akira’s shadow.

Before Ryuji could do anything, Akira took a step forward, facing his shadow.

“You were right,” he said.

The shadow didn’t seem surprised by his words.

_“Was I?”_ he asked. _“How so?”_

Akira knew it wouldn’t be that simple. He took a deep breath, clearing his thoughts.

“You are me,” he said. “All the things you said before… About how I always hide behind a mask, and try to be someone different so others will like me… That was all true.”

The words hurt, but Akira knew he needed to say them. He needed to face that ugly part of himself if he wanted to get out of that place with Ryuji.

“I’m not Joker,” he continued. “I’m Akira Kurusu, and I’m not even close to being the person I wish I was, or that my parents wished I was. But I found people who are willing to accept me the way I am, with all my doubts and flaws, and I… I want to show my real self to them too.”

He closed his eyes briefly, thinking about his own words.

“You are me,” he repeated, offering his hand to the shadow. “You are part of me, and I won’t deny you anymore.”

His shadow looked at him for a long while, then a slight smile took its face.

“Seems like it…” it whispered.

It took a step forward, holding Akira’s hand. Its appearance changed to Arsene, who then disappeared in a flash of light. In the next moment, Akira was wearing his phantom clothes again, and he smiled when he felt the familiar presence of Arsene inside of him.

Ryuji’s shadow didn’t move, and Akira knew what it was waiting for. He took a step back, allowing Ryuji to face him.

“Look, I get it…” said Ryuji. “I ain’t smart, I ain’t special, and… I’m always scared that the people I care about will hurt me, or leave me behind. And I…” He glanced at Akira before facing his shadow again. “I’m in love with Aki. I was scared of how he was gonna react if I ever told him, but now I did. I’ve got nothin’ else to hide.”

The shadow stared at him for a long while, then stood up, its golden eyes seeming to sparkle with anger.

“ _And you think this is enough?”_ it asked in a yell. _“You think just sayin’ all this shit is gonna change anythin’?”_

The shadow’s reaction caught both of them by surprise. Akira looked from the shadow to his friend: it had worked for him, so why didn’t it work for Ryuji?

“I… I don’t understand…” mumbled Ryuji. “I already said it! What else do you want from me?”

“ _I don’t know, Ryuji…”_ muttered the shadow through its pointy teeth. _“Why don’t ‘you’ answer that? What else do ‘you’ want from me?”_

“What…?”

The shadow stood up, without looking away from Ryuji.

“ _I’m tired of bein’ scared…”_ it said. _“I’m tired of only seein’ the worst about myself… I’m tired of doubtin’ every fuckin’ thing I do…_

As it spoke, its skin started to crumble, until half of its body was nothing but bones. It grew in size, and its clothes changed to a pirate’s attire. Like with Akira’s shadow, it seemed like a distorted fusion of Ryuji and his persona, Captain Kidd.

_“I’m tired of thinkin’ that everyone I love is gonna leave me!”_ proceeded the shadow in a furious tone. _“I’m tired of never being enough to myself! So, why don’t you answer me?”_ It stared at Ryuji with its single golden eye, raising a pair of scimitars with its arms. _“What else do ‘you’ want from me?”_

It charged against Ryuji, who could do nothing but take a step back. Instinctively, Akira reached for that familiar presence inside of him.

“Arsene!”

Arsene answered his call, appearing between them and the shadow, blocking its attack. The shadow tried to move past him and reach Ryuji, but Arsene was quicker and reached for him with both hands. Instead of attacking Ryuji’s shadow, however, Arsene carefully hugged it from behind, keeping it in place without hurting it.

The persona had mimicked Akira’s actions, who also had hugged Ryuji in that same way.

“It’s okay…” he whispered. “You’re more than enough. There’s so much to love in you, even if you can’t see it yourself.”

Ryuji slightly opened his mouth, but the answer came from his shadow.

_“I’m tired of hatin’ myself…”_ it muttered. _“I’m tired of feelin’ like I ain’t good enough… but I don’t know what else ‘I’ am supposed to do…”_

“You don’t have to do anything,” said Akira. “You’re good enough already.”

_“I ain’t--”_

“Please, just trust me,” proceeded Akira. “I know it’s difficult, but I assure you that you’re so much more than you think. Why do you even think I fell for you in the first place?”

The shadow lowered its gaze.

“ _It’s hard…”_ it said.

“I know.”

“ _I’m tired…”_

“I know.”

“ _I really don’t know what to do…”_

“It’s okay,” assured Akira. “I said it before, right? We’ll find a way together.”

The shadow stayed silent. When the response came, it was the real Ryuji who spoke.

“Aki…”

“Yes?”

Ryuji hesitated for a second.

“Am I really good enough for you?” he asked.

Akira tightened his embrace.

“Much more than enough,” he said.

“It’s okay that I’m like this?”

“Of course.”

“Wouldn’t you be happier with someone else by your side?”

“No way.”

Akira carefully turned Ryuji’s body, until they were facing each other.

“How many times will I have to say it?” He cupped Ryuji’s face, looking into his eyes. “You’re my best friend, my strength, my future…”

He leaned in Ryuji’s direction, until their foreheads and noses were softly touching.

“I love you,” he said.

Ryuji placed his hands over Akira’s, gently squeezing them.

“I love you too,” he answered with a slightly trembling voice.

Ryuji took a moment to calm down, then took a deep breath, facing his shadow.

“I know I’ve got many problems…” he said. “And I know that sometimes I make things more complicated than they actually are. I’m not happy with who I am, and… I feel like I’m worth less than everyone else. Sometimes I even feel like I don’t deserve people to like me.” He made a brief pause. “But, If someone like Aki really loves me the way I am, then… Then maybe I can find somethin’ to love here as well.” He hugged his own arms. “Maybe… I can find something in me that I can be proud of.”

The shadow watched him in silence, waiting for him to continue.

“I always thought I had no place in this world, but now… Now I can finally see it,” Ryuji showed a slight smile. “It’s beside Aki… and my mom, and my friends… all those people who saw something in me that I couldn’t even see myself. And I want to protect them, not ‘cause I’m scared they’ll leave me, but ‘cause they’re important to me.”

He stopped talking, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath before looking at his shadow again.

“That’s it… you are me.” Ryuji hesitated for a second, then approached the shadow, offering it his hand. “And I’m sorry for ignorin’ you all this time.”

The shadow observed his extended hand, then a slight smile took its face.

_“See?”_ it said in a soft tone as it reached for Ryuji’s hand. _“It wasn’t that hard, was it?”_

“Easy for you to say,” answered Ryuji.

Their hands touched, and the shadow’s appearance slowly changed to Captain Kidd’s. Both personas stayed there, before them for a moment; then, at the same time, both disappeared in a flash of light. Ryuji’s clothes changed to his Phantom Thief attire, and he absentmindedly placed a hand on his chest.

“He’s back…” he muttered.

“Yes.”

Akira placed a hand on his shoulder, and Ryuji looked at him.

“Aki…”

He hesitated for a moment, then placed his hand over Akira’s.

“I wouldn’t have done it without you,” whispered Ryuji.

“Me neither,” said Akira. “You told me exactly what I needed to hear.”

They smiled fondly at each other. Then, in the next moment, a bright light made the two of them close their eyes, shielding them with their arms. When Akira opened his eyes again, they were back at that empty room. This time, however, there was a single door in it. Akira and Ryuji exchanged an unsure glance.

“Do you think it’s the exit?” asked Akira.

“Sure hope so.”

They approached the door together, and when Akira tried to open it, he realized it wasn’t locked. He reached for Ryuji’s hand, holding it.

“Ready?” he asked.

Ryuji nodded, and Akira opened the door. They tightened their grip on each other’s hand, crossing together to the other side.

* * *

Akira felt like his body was floating. He slowly opened his eyes, seeing a concerned face above him.

“He’s waking up!” informed Futaba.

Akira blinked a few times, to help his vision regain focus. Two new familiar faces appeared close to him.

“Joker?” called Makoto. “Can you hear me?”

He still felt slightly lost, but nodded in response.

“Yes,” he said. “I can hear you.”

His answer made her smile, relieved.

“You’re back…” Morgana placed a paw on his knee. “You really scared us back then.”

Makoto helped Akira sit down. He looked around, realizing that they were in a safe area of Mementos.

_Mementos…_ His memories of the recent events came back to him at once.

“Where’s Ryuji?” he asked.

Futaba pointed to behind her back, where Ann, Haru, and Yusuke helped an apparently dazed Ryuji to sit. Their eyes met, and, for a moment, neither of them knew what to say. In fact, now that he was back in the real world, Akira couldn’t even tell if any of that had been real… Maybe the last thing that Ryuji remembered about him was that stupid fight.

“How long were we like this?” asked Akira.

“Around twenty minutes, I think,” answered Haru.

Ryuji stared at her, wide-eyed.

“Twenty minutes?” he repeated. “It sure felt like more than that…”

His answer made Akira stare at him again.

“I mean…” proceeded Ryuji, cautious. “What happened while we were out…”

“Our shadows?” asked Akira.

At first, Ryuji seemed surprised. Then, his body relaxed in clear relief.

“So… It really happened, didn’t it?” he asked.

As an answer, Akira stood up from where he was, kneeling in front of Ryuji and throwing his arms around him, in a tight hug that Ryuji reciprocated, placing a hand on the back of Akira’s head, pulling him closer.

“Woah…!” Akira heard Futaba’s surprised voice close to them. “That’s a complete one-eighty from last time.”

Akira moved away, just enough to look at Ryuji’s face, gently caressing his cheek before placing a brief kiss on his lips. Ann’s eyes widened at that gesture.

“I feel like you have something to tell us,” she said.

The two of them looked at each other, then exchanged amused grins.

“Maybe… we should keep it to ourselves,” said Akira.

“Yeah,” agreed Ryuji. “Sounds good to me.”

“What?” Ann stared at them in disbelief. “Now I’m even more curious!”

“You guys better explain yourselves on our way back,” said Futaba.

When Morgana changed into his car form to take them back to the entrance, Akira took his place beside Ryuji, holding his hand and intertwining their fingers. Ryuji kissed his head, then leaned against his shoulder, getting comfortable next to him. Akira smiled to himself: if anything, he was thankful to his shadow for making such a thing possible.

* * *

Changing wasn’t easy, especially during all those events that followed Okumura’s failed change of heart. Sae’s shadow, Akechi’s betrayal, the truth about Igor, the final battle against Yaldabaoth… His brief stay in prison. Years later, Akira still couldn’t believe all those things had come and passed so quickly.

Still, he was trying to change, learning to rely on Ryuji without fear, just like Ryuji was still learning to put himself in the first place. It was a slow process, but Akira could already feel some small changes. Besides, whenever he gave in to that habit of doing everything by himself, Ryuji would be quick to scold him, and remind him that he wasn’t alone—that there was nothing wrong in asking for help. Even during that year they spent in a long-distance relationship, Akira never felt alone, because he knew that, no matter what happened, they would be there to support each other.

It wasn’t always so simple, however: years of insecurity and self-loathing didn’t disappear just like that. But having someone who understood him made a huge difference: it wasn’t a magic cure, but it surely helped.

Akira stretched his body, letting out a long yawn. He heard a low chuckle beside him, and turned to see his boyfriend lying next to him, still with a sleepy face.

“You’re so loud…” said Ryuji.

“Shut up…”

Akira rolled in Ryuji’s direction, burying his face on his chest. It was Sunday, so he wasn’t willing to leave the bed so early. Ryuji seemed to agree, getting comfortable close to Akira, caressing his hair. Akira was about to fall asleep again when something came to his mind.

“Ryuji!” he said, looking at his boyfriend.

The urgency in his tone startled Ryuji, who stared at him, concerned.

“What?”

“I just realized…” answered Akira with a devastated tone. “In the end, I never asked you out officially.”

Ryuji seemed puzzled for a few seconds, until he finally understood what Akira meant.

“You still worried about that?” he asked with a chuckle. “Aki… We’ve been livin’ together for two years now.”

“Unofficially,” answered Akira. “We’re unofficial boyfriends, Ryuji!” he lowered his tone to a sad mutter. “We’ve been living a lie…”

His answer made Ryuji look at him in disbelief. However, he knew that when Akira got something on his head, it was useless to argue with him.

“Well,” Ryuji shrugged, “you could always take me out for dinner, and ask me out _officially_.”

“I guess…” In a second, Akira’s dramatic expression changed back to his lazy one. “Or you could just cook for me, instead, and _then_ I ask you out.”

Ryuji narrowed his eyes at him.

“That ain’t romantic,” he said.

“I’m not romantic,” retorted Akira.

“Yeah… Tell me about it.”

He shook his head, and Akira moved closer to him, kissing his collarbone with a satisfied smile.

“So…” he said. “How about sushi?”

The suggestion immediately grabbed Ryuji’s attention.

“Sushi?” he repeated with a wide smile. “For sushi, I’d fuckin’ marry you, Aki.”

“Don’t give me ideas,” retorted Akira with a grin.

Ryuji giggled, then pulled Akira closer again, and Akira rested his head on Ryuji’s chest, intertwining their legs, humming pleased to himself as he relaxed and closed his eyes, enjoying that gentle warmth. They weren’t perfect, of course, nor was their relationship; still, Akira was happy with things the way they were.

In the end, they were just Akira Kurusu and Ryuji Sakamoto, and that was more than enough.

**Author's Note:**

>  _Earlier that day, at the Persona waiting room:_  
>  Arsene, reading a book in front of a fireplace: Hey Kidd... You know what would make those two fools finally confess their feelings for each other?  
> Kidd, sculpting a tiny boat: What?  
>  _Later, in Mementos:_  
>  Kidd: Okay, these dumbasses ain't goin' anywhere by themselves...  
> Arsene: I told you.  
> Kidd: Yeah... Let's fuckin' do it.
> 
> I really enjoyed writing this fic... Let me know your thoughts, if possible!
> 
> Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it!


End file.
